No one in love gets married and expects for it to end. We enter into long term relationships with the best intentions. We want to make them work, to live happy and fulfilling lives with our chosen partners. When these relationships don’t work out however, it’s very easy to become jaded and to start doubting the initial love that began it all. By the same token, this doubt can spread over into new partnerships and make us slow to trust or open up. Moving forwards takes time and patience. Don’t underestimate the necessity of grieving for your lost relationship, but also know that there are certain steps you can take to move forwards. Starting again, with the best chance of success, means making conscious and rational decisions.
Tie up loose ends
As we get older it can become more difficult to disentangle ourselves from relationships. There may be children involved, properties, social circles and even joint business ventures that require continued contact. A clean and quick break is not always easy, but it should be a goal that you maintain if at all possible. Before you even consider moving on, ensure you’re walking away and leaving situations in as positive a state as can be. This means arranging child visitation, knowing who keeps which assets and what form any future contact should take. This is obviously not as simple if the divorce is contentious, but make an effort to deal with the facts alone and, always work towards what will most serve your emotional and mental health for the long run.
It is essential that you heal your past wounds before you move onto a new relationship. Old problems can very easily follow us from person to person, if we haven’t made the time to understand them fully. It starts by making time for yourself, acknowledging any pain you’re going through, seeking professional help if necessary and recognising what needs to be different next time. Blame and fault have little place in healing, what’s important is acceptance of the past and the intention for change in the future.
Set your life and relationship goals
Just because your marriage didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean that your long term goals need disappear by the wayside too. If there are goals that still light you up, that still mean the world to you, then get even clearer about them and make them a priority for your future. Falling blindly into a new situation and hoping for the best should not be an option. At very least, know where you would like to end up in your life as a whole and in your relationship. These two outcomes should be linked and aren’t always independent of each other.
Make a move
When you know you’re ready to move on with your life, and not before, have a plan about how you’re going to do it. You may decide that being single for a while is what you need or, that you don’t want to get into anything too heavy. Whatever your decision, it has to come from the part of you that is still hopeful and strong enough to see a brighter future. Don’t make plans from the part of you that merely wants to escape the pain of your divorce. No matter how little control you have in what’s happened or is happening with your ex, you have 100 per cent control over the future choices you make, so choose good ones and follow through.
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This article was guest written by Tori Ufondu, Mindset Breakthrough Coach